Dear Lucy,
Since we’ve been of a certain age, i.e., beyond the middle, we’ve talked about doing new and slightly more daring things such as going to a nudist beach.
But I think we’ve been limiting ourselves, largely because recently, I accidently became a thief and I can tell you it was a lot of fun.
I say accidently because really, it wasn’t my fault. People are always asking me to look after their bags in cafes and on trains. I’ve always wondered, how do they know I’m not a thief? Then I thought, “How do I know I’m not a thief?”
I dabbled when I was younger of course. It’s every child’s rite of passage to nick a Mars Bar or two, eventually get caught, horribly shamed, and then never do it again – this is what happened to me. My sister – ever the entrepreneur – started stealing Mars Bars and selling them to me at a discount. Everyone’s a winner! Well, not the shop owners but you don’t consider them when you’re a child.
So, I decided to see how it felt to steal the very thing I’d been put in charge of. The more I thought about it, the more perfect this crime became. People will have seen me chatting in a friendly fashion to the bag’s owner, and won’t consider it strange if I am in their space whilst they’ve, ‘popped to the loo.’ That’s all it takes you know, the time it takes to reach the toilet and the bag is gone.
I realised CCTV would be a problem so I started going to cafes in disguise, which turned out to be more fun than the stealing.
What started as a bit of fun became an interesting social experiment. I noticed that if I have short hair – in which I feel a bit more clipped and efficient looking - people are less likely to ask me to look after their bag. When I’m a blonde, well, life really is more fun. Not only are people more likely to approach me for favours, but they can’t do enough for me either. Baristas offer to refresh my cup, even carry it to the table. People also respond well to my wearing reading glasses with simple frames and having lots of shopping bags.
Things that keep people away are sunglasses, over-ear headphones, hoodies and chewing gum. In-ear headphones seem to bring out the curiosity in people. Is she really listening/can I get her attention?
One time I dressed up as a man but I was too sparing with the facial hair glue and spent most of the time clinging onto my jaunty moustache to stop it making a bid for escape.
Despite my strange behaviour, a man sidled over to me at the counter as I was deciding whether a man would be having a sugar craving or not. He started chatting and was looking at me with this strange intensity that made me hot under my tie and collar. He wanted to know if he could join me, but I was so startled that I said, “I’m sorry but I’m gender-confused right now, and I need to leave to buy some carrots” - panic. Being dressed as a man unfortunately didn’t remove my inability to speak to one.
As well as my wig and accessory bill growing, so was my guilt … about the stealing part. I know how much handbags mean to a woman. It’s not just a handbag, it’s an extension of her very being. Be it tidy, or a jumble, big or small, who a woman is, is contained in and on that bag.
Then I had a brilliant idea. Rather than stop, I took to letting the bag owner know that I’d found the handbag and – sans disguise – would arrange to meet them and return it. They would often give me a reward and it made me feel great to see how happy they were to be reunited with their precious handbag.
Would they have experienced happiness like that on a mundane Tuesday afternoon without the pain of the loss? I don’t think so. So yes, I take the money. I’ve provided a valuable life-experience for someone, given them a story to dine out on, and made them feel good about humanity.
Whilst I enjoyed this additional aspect of the process, and even made some new friends, I was relieved when Lockdown happened, not just because of the guilt, but also because I’d run out of ‘looks’ and ‘patches’ where I could operate.
After Lockdown I dabbled but the moment had passed. I decided to retire my thieving ways and be satisfied with what I’d learned: People are fundamentally good, we’re all capable of bad things but above all, don’t ask a stranger to look after your bag!
I hope you enjoyed the latest Dear Lucy blog. Feel free to contact me at cpsdayoff@gmail.com.
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