Tortoise, ignoring the sound of stamping and slamming as Hare returned home, was enjoying a slim cigar and swirling cognac in an over-sized glass Hare had gifted him for Christmas.
The glass had been engraved with the words, ‘Shit happens!’ He didn’t care for the crass slogan but he loved the grandiose feeling it gave him to hold the big glass between his feet, getting deep layered wafts of Rémy Martin.
‘Simply the best,’ would have been a more suitable engraving for one with such sophisticated taste. But, when you can’t see over a fallen Coke can, you need all the friends you can get. And, despite his poor taste in Christmas gifts, Hare was his friend.
He was a good companion, amenable and competent in the kitchen. There was of course his obsession with proving he was the fastest land mammal which made him at times, a little ill tempered. No-one cared of course, but Hare could see no sense when it came to this matter.
Difficult childhood’ is how Tortoise neatly dismissed the topic when raised in company.
To distract Hair - as one would a child - Tortoise inquired as to the status of his favourite smoking jacket which Hare had promised to take to the cleaners for him.
Tortoise knew Hare understood he was being managed but enjoyed it too much to interrupt the game. Hare whipped out the smoking jacket from the dress wardrobe, delighted to be asked, “Tada! I’ve already done it!”
“Of course you have.” Replied Tortoise with a warm smile of appreciation, “Of course you have.”
Hare, now calmer, and happier, got back to preparing dinner whilst Tortoise relaxed and re-lit his slim cigar, enjoying the crackle as it came back to life.
Hare’s version
Hare was fuming. Why hadn’t anyone woken him!? Fox had promised he would, but when can you ever really trust a Fox?
It was Tortoise who’d suggested he would probably have time for a nap before they’d even begun! And, it was Tortoise that had riled him up about the race in the first place. Once again
Hare realised he’d been played by the hard-shelled tosser.
That’s what he should have had engraved on that stupid glass. ‘Tosser!’
Life was just against him, that’s all there was to it. He just wanted to feel seen but the harder he tried, the more it backfired. This race was a chance to prove just how fast he was, to show them all.
But, despite his promises and commitments to himself not to succumb to over-confidence, he’d failed. A nap to Hare was like a cream cake to a Toad on a diet - irresistible.
His new self-help book Tortoise had gifted him, Be your best Hare - Habits of success, had warned of the consequences of over-confidence. But Hare had given up reading it just before the chapter on ‘Mitigating challenges.’ The book had been written as a fable, which Tortoise knew he hated - see, Tosser!
Hare glared at him now, sitting there, all smug - the winner once again - with that stupid glass he thought was the height of sophistication. It was actually a joke. He’d never thought Tortoise would be able to use it due to its large size. But of course, Tortoise had naturally mastered it between his excuses for feet.
Tortoise thought he was so clever, ‘managing’ Hare by asking about that ridiculous smoking jacket. Hare had sarcastically shouted, “Tada! I’ve already done it!” knowing that Tortoise would think it’s because he was so pleased to have pleased him. “Wanker.” He muttered.
Hare knew he shouldn’t have moved in, but Tortoise had been so clever, always one step ahead, just waiting for him to be homeless once again. He’d prepared an irresistible ‘bed chamber’ as he called it after Hare was kicked out of yet another burrow for being well, a Hare. Rabbits were a very particular bunch when they wanted to be.
But he loved burrows. When he huddled down, all cozy, safe and warm, he didn’t have to worry about being the fastest in the land. He didn’t have to worry about anything. He could just snooze. Lovely.
Hare wanted to move out but it was just too hard to find a new place. Owl said that he and Tortoise were in a co-dependent relationship, whatever that meant.
As he sighed, releasing the last of his knotted rage, he dropped his head down in defeat. He was soon jolted out of his malaise as he got a fresh look at his magnificent feet. “These feet are what make me the fastest in the land! He thought. “I’ll show them!”
Happily distracted once again, Hare began whistling a happy tune and got back to preparing dinner.
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