Dear Lucy,
Whilst most of us love our families - on some level - and will undoubtedly be spending time with them this Christmas, I wanted to give you some light relief in case it all gets a bit much and invite you, and anyone else reading, to play Fantasy Family with me.
It’s a game I made up a while ago. It wasn’t borne out of dissatisfaction with my own family. Let’s face it, how many of us grew up with the kind of parents we’d choose, probably not many, including our own parents. No, this was borne simply out of thinking, “Wouldn’t - in this case - Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell make great God-parents?
I didn’t want to stop there, so I populated various roles which I still tweak now and then.
I don’t have rules or a scoring system. For me, if the people I choose remain ‘good’ then I’m winning. When you get a ‘Rolf’ - someone who was ‘good’ but turns out to be ‘bad’ you’d better choose a new favourite uncle quick. To be fair, I don’t really believe in ‘good’ people and ‘bad’ people, we all have a helping of both, but those that don’t choose to address their ‘bad’ aren’t welcome in my Fantasy Family.
So, here’s a run-down of just some of my current Fantasy Family. You’ll notice that the characters don’t necessarily have their corresponding relative, e.g., there isn’t a sister/brother to my brother-in-law. Again, the rules are loose.
Parents - Charles and Carolyn from Little House on the Prairie - Fictional characters
Surely the ideal parents? A perfect combination of kind, strong, gentle, firm but fair. This combo would have made the best out of some of the worst of mankind.
Step-brother - David Sedaris - Author (Substitute Augusten Burroughs - Author)
I don’t know why he’s a step-brother and not a ‘brother’ brother but I think he’d appreciate the nuance.
A fierce supporter of those he loves, Sedaris is someone you want on your side in life. He can be ascerbic yes, but he’s direct and always witty.
I sometimes substitute him with Augusten Burroughs, another brilliant writer, though he prefers ‘Brother’ - he won’t settle for less. I can’t have two such entertaining memoirists at the same time, it would be like crossing the rays in Ghostbusters.
Aunty - Geraldine Granger (aka The Vicar of Dibley) - Fictional character
We’d play at being on a pretend panel show to review chocolate. We’d review new brands and alterations to existing chocolate bars, like Giant Buttons, chunky Kit Kats, orange Twirls. Occasionally she’d pretend to take a call from Jesus to make a final call when there was a disagreement.
Brother-in-Law - Brad Whitacker played by Will Ferrell in Daddy’s Home & the brilliant Daddy’s Home 2)
We’d get teary-eyed about how lucky we were to be in such a wonderful family and hug each other a lot.
Family Friend - Louis Theroux
I know this isn’t technically a family member, but Theroux needs to be available to me romantically (in my fantasy family he’s not happily married) as I secretly hope he’ll come around one day and tell me he can’t live without me and ask if I’ll run away with him. In case it’s not clear, “Yes,” would be my answer.
I’ve always liked Theroux but my admiration soared when I saw him once in the Parliament Fields Cafe having lunch with a small group. As I stood in the queue, I thought, “if he makes eye contact with me it’s a sign - we’re meant to be together.” But my stare was interrupted by a fan who went up to him not once, but twice (the second time from the other direction, he’d decided to come back) to gush and gesture his approval of Theroux.
It was one thing for him and his well-bred companions to take it in such good humour, but as the man left, even the second time, there wasn’t so much as an eyebrow raised, or eye rolled, they just carried on as normal. That, my friend, is class.
I felt bad for having stared at him so intensely. He did look up eventually but the triumph was nowhere to be found as I realised he was even more out of my league than I’d first imagined.
It’s typically me of course, to set my sights on someone unavailable, both in reality and even in my own fantasy.
And here’s the best bit of Fantasy Family, they’re there for you, to give you some comfort and even advice. It sounds a bit odd, but it’s not just our internal critic/s in there (essentially just punitive voices we’ve absorbed), there are loads of other aspects of us just dying to be heard and with Fantasy Family, they get to be aired at last on the back of our chosen characters.
So I wondered what they’d think of my penchant for unrequited love. Here are just a few of the reponses.
Sedaris would tease me and suggest I aim even higher; “Go for someone really out of reach, like the Archbishop of Canterbury.” Like most Americans, he says Cant-ur-berry.
Geraldine (Vicar of Dibley) would agree that Theroux is a total hottie even though her heart belongs to Sean Bean (in my Fantasy Family, she’s not married to Harry yet). She would suggest we tell Jesus why we deserve these lovely hunks and pray really hard, all of course, accompanied by one of those enormous Toblerones you get at the airport, each.
Brad totally gets it. He’s been friend-zoned more times than a school boy with braces and the wrong length-trousers and tells me to bide my time.
Charles and Carolyn would assure me - probably on a walk by the creek - that my person will find his way to me and if it’s meant to be, he won’t pass me by. I would be comforted by this and we’d all look at each other and smile sweetly.
As I say, this is just a selection of my current Fantasy Family.
I know you prefer more strategic games like Risk, and simply due to time dedicated to your own family, are unlikely to play. You may even suggest that I don’t really need to play as I have two families, my own and yours; my Fam from another Nan.
But I’m a thinker, tending towards pessimism. Rather than making merry in the party bar and focusing on all I have (thankfully you occasionally drag me in there), I’m much more likely to be found knocking around a half empty pub full of half empty glasses.
But not today. I’m feeling all Tiny Tim; blessed and very excited to be spending Christmas Day with you all.
So Merry Christmas my dear friend, and here’s to not really needing the fantasy.
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